It's clear I am back in the swing of the livin'

I need to write

2009-11-12T01:09:04Z

I really do, so much to say and catch up on, even with myself.

Just wanted to let everyone know I am still mostly MIA until I fix my computer. I am reading though ;).

constantxreplay @ 2009-11-01T10:04:00

2009-11-01T18:13:40Z

My macbook died about a month ago. I still have applecare, so I will get it taken care of as soon as I can. I have been absent if anyone has noticed. I went to jail. I really did. For thirteen nights, fourteen days, counted as 15 served on a 30 sentence. I met some of the most unique characters of my entire life. I am sitting on a too small laptop and my fin gers are not used to dealing with such a small space. I want to pour out my heart and my thoughts and my beliefs. Even fourteen days can change the way a person feels about things. I learned more than you can from a book, or from the retelling of stories. I lived and experienced something that most people don't have to, or if they do, it is something they seem to be accostomed too. Granted, I did meet a few first timers and I daresay made a few friends. Short in short THANK GOD my parents moved me from the bay area.
its just one fucked up place. I appreciate my trees and distance from the dirty life styles that run rampant. not to say it does not have its shining parts or whatnot, but for the majority, its over run and run down.
sitting on the floor in my sisters room where the computer has to hook up to the modem. i want my computer back badly, i miss it, but I want to throw it across the room.
I was supposed to go to my little bros friends halloween party last night. by the time the party rolled around I was already buzzed and wanted my bed. my bed. not a thin mattress. not itchy sheets. not a cutting blanket. not orange striped fucking pants and no pajamas. i wanted my bed. and all the candy I could eat. I woke up with a sour stomach this morning.

The longing that eminates from that place could be seen from space, I swear.
It must bubble and protect the facility from "God" or peace. Though I sound dramatic in some sense of the word, I just can not get over how time just stops and is lost. There is no reclaiming what you dont have, there is no understanding the future, for in there there is no future. just what you are missing out on, what you have missed on, trying to feed on the memories that you had as your own, trying to remember and draw upon the good times in the face of never ending monotonity and degredation.

phew. when i get my computer back i want to go over everything in detail. i wrote out character descriptions for most of the girls in there while I would sit at the hard tables during our "unlocks". I learned how to talk in the toilet to the boys upstairs and how to fold your clothes into a roll. I learned what hand cuffs feel like and how it is to shit in front of someone you dont know. I learned how to play spades and ten. I learned that many grown women don't know how to shuffle and can't spell. I sat through bible studies and read bad love stories the girls would pass me through the doors. I watched teevee through a window and ate sloppy nasty beans every night. Short in short, I was a motherfucking inmate.

I am free now.
I am worried about my brother.
I need to figure out what my path is now.

i think i have this computer for one more day. i will be back.

I have the worst cramps

2009-09-17T15:06:22Z

I hate cramps. The dull ache in the pit of your stomach, sliding down your abdomen, slice slice slice. I could take the vicodin I saved from my kill-myself headache but I am not sure I ought to do that. I feel compelled to save it in case the head ache comes back, which was much worse than these cramps.
I just ahhhhh, can't sleep, have to feel the need to pee. The first day is always the longest.

I've been watching the L word. on season two. I really like it. I am annoyingly attracted to Shane, the girly-boy. I am not sure if it is indeed the masculinity that the character exudes or if it's not... the fact that I even ponder my attraction to the fake teevee girl annoys me, but I have to live vicariously through something for the time being. I cant imagine lesbian circles being like this, so much drama, but then I think of my long talks with Emily and her encounters.. I feel like maybe these insane drama groups connect. Plus, if it is interesting to see how many people it takes you to link to another. When slutty friends are in tow of course. Watching this show makes me want a girl, though. The connection. Speaking of, the exheartbreaker, brit, texted me last night. I was proud to say that I had to ask who she was because I deleted her out of my phone.

I want to find a comfortable chair so I can watch the rest of this show.. and that's about it. Too bad I am bleeding. Bah to being a girl.

Girls night out

2009-09-15T17:00:17Z

Chass and I decided to go out last night because Jeremy was going to the Raiders game and she didn't want to be mopey. We got a little toasty in town and then went to see the time travelers wife, which is a pretty awesome book. Plus Rachel whatsherface is hot. We were the only ones in the whole theatre. That hasn't happened to me since my days with thee ex bf. It was great. We were loud, obnoxious, drank our mikes hard lemonade noisily and screamed at the screen. It was a complete riot to be honest. We missed probably twenty minutes of the movie chit chatting and pee'ing lol.
Well we came back home, driving fifty the whole way, ha, and decide since her walk in baby sitters (long fucking story, they are from Idaho) just showed up at her house while we were out that we would go drink a pitcher before going home. So we walk up to the bar all giggly and having fun, order a pitcher and start drinking. Her annoying Idaho person finds us at the bar, Adam. Ugh.
Then three or four guys show up. All of them go to hit on Chass, of course, except one. One guy has eyes for me. He follows me around, which is alright I guess, but he keeps rubbing my back and I'm thinking to myself.. get your hand off of me, but I don't say anything. Then my DAD shows up! Because he can not handle me going to the bar without protection I swear to fuck. So, dad's there, Chass' is there, Adam Idaho boy, and three other guys. Well, I make Chass' finish her drink as quickly as possible and tell the boys I'm taking my woman home lol.
They don't like this at all. I don't give a fuck what they like. Chass in the mean time is trying to fucking get the guy that was puppydogging me to come home with us! When I heard her do that I was like "fucking Chassity, STOP! I Don't need your help to bring a man home, I can really fucking manage on my own thanks". She doesn't get it! She thinks she is helping me, but she is not. I dont take strange men home from the bars, dont give a shit if they shake my dads hand.
phewey.
well when we get back to her house fight with the Idaho-ians ensues, because they are idiots and she won't stick up for herself. I basically kick them out after some words are exchanged. I don't care if you're pregnant with a weak cervix. Don't move to CA then.
Those people are serious idiots. Who shows up to someones house without enough gas to get home but a 30 pack of beer? Who the fuck does that when they are "grown up" with two kids and one on the way?
*rolls eyes*
Other than them Chass' and I had a really good night. I have the stomach ache to prove it lol.

why

2009-09-14T20:14:00Z

does my sisters cat find solace in me when she is gone? i dont mind the little guy but he always wants *in my lap. and hes hairy and I wear black. and he drools on my legs and arms and hands and rubs his wet sticky nose all over me lol.
two cats and a dog in my bed. i do feel special.

fucking ninja

2009-09-14T19:14:15Z

I put it in my bedside drawer last week for safe keeping. I thought, hey, I don't want to lose this this week, let's put it some where safe. Well, I knew I had put it in there. I kept telling myself, it's in there, and vainly searching to find nothing.
So I tear out the drawer, all the way out, half in desperation and half in rage.

There it is. Sitting wedged in the very back, laughing and mocking my FACE.

Mailed that bitch out.

fucking entry

2009-09-14T17:46:54Z

the motherfucking incessant noise my fucking fucking fucking piece of shit computer fan is making is DRIVING ME INSANE. It never ends, it just keeps making the noise always over and over always, hurting my ears, bugging me, reminding me that its about to break and I wont be able to afford to fix it. I dont have parents to buy me a new one. I dont have school loans I can use to replace it. I dont have a job to replace it myself.
So dont fucking go out you stupid computer.
I have lost my FUCKING unemployment AGAIN for the FUCKING 100TH TIME. I am SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW.
I know I am about to bleed. but FUCK.
I CANT FUCKING FIND IT.

So if I dont I dont get money and then I die
so fucking what at this point
thats how I fucking feel
so fucking what

The sky is always changing... and so am i.

2009-09-13T09:18:28Z

I want to read the vampire diaries. Yep. True confession. I enjoyed the pilot episode a lot. I thought it was well scripted and I enjoyed the chemistry so to speak. I know I will seek it out to watch again.
So I figure I might as well read the books and ruin it for myself, ha ha ha. But really, the books will be better. Even if she is a blonde vain cheerleader at first, ahem. As I read on Google reviews lol.

Problem one.
I have no money. As usual. Not even ten dollars for books lol. If I have any money it goes to things like food, or soap or food or beer or a fan because it was hot, or a heater because its cooling down or PG & E because it sucks, or Comcast because the family likes teevee phone and internet and I feel like I have never been a kid in my entire life all I do is pay grown up bills all the time. I do not blame any one for this, I ended up in this situation, my parents need me to help. So it goes so it goes.

Aside that, I want to read these books. I should be able to at least read what I god damn want. I should be able to scrape together enough RIGHT now before Friday to get these books. (And I will, I'm just whining).

They look childish to boot, I don't care. I liked TWILIGHT, dun dun dun, let the torches come forth and the comment bashing begin (rolls eyes), and I know I will most likely enjoy these. Now, they are DIFFERENT from twilight, no sparkly vampires (that I can tell haha), Italy renaissance torn brothers fighting over a woman and seeming to being avenging another.. what I looked up online seemed intriguing. You know, ironically I wanted to read interview with a vampire (what is with the vampire thing alicia really?) but I can't find my copy... any where...bleh. I know I loaned it out and never received it back. The thing about loaning out books is you never really usually receive them back.

Pollocks library is only open three days a week. That is sad, sad sad. Recession, sad. Even more sad they are not open until TUESDAY. Okay. So if I wait until Tuesday, and HOPE that they have the book, which they wont, I can check it out, as long as there isn't some library warrant out for my name (and with my luck, I'd end up doing an extra 12 days in jail for that Amelia Airheart book I never returned in 2nd grade). All big ifs. Especially when I live in a world of I want Now.
Books should always be Now.
I do not like being denied a book. Nothing seems more wrong. I suppose I can make my way to town and hope that the bookery has something, though their knowledge of the vampire selection is limited and the books are all re-organized and I haven't frequented the shop enough in the last two years to know my way around the piles and stacks any more.

I could try Placervilles library. I admit I have only been once, I was not sure how I felt about the place. Dismissed it before I gave it a chance, they have more to offer than pollock but I assume they are linked on the book selection as most libraries in counties are.
Flashing back to twelve years old in pleasant hill at the library, rode my bike there all by myself to check out books.

any way.

something is going on with my heart/esophagus. I don't know how to explain it. When I swallow, it is a shallow heat sensation that runs up my pipe, but it is almost as if a pill is stuck in my throat, forcing the heat to constrict and burst in my throat only to flame out immediately. All of course happening within the span of .5 seconds.
this started happening AFTER the three day migraine. yeah i whined about that on here.

gosh i am a whiner lately.
sorry people.

soon my life will be back on track.

went to court.
i know what i have to do, how much time i have to serve, when i have to turn myself in, what i have to FUCKING do. (the DA was a bitchcuntface)
when I get that done, (soon), I can then get a job, I can get a car, I can go to school.

and you know what,
I dont want to go back to community fucking stupid college. I NEVER wanted to do that in the first place. My heart has NEVER been in it, I never BELONGED there. Right now I am stuck supporting my parents, well helping supporting them financially with what I have coming in, but when I can leave them, or figure out how to leave them on their feet, I want to go to photography school.
Might as well try to be what I want to be.
It keeps spinning in my mind.
this intricate web.

12 days
12 days

101609101609101609

constantxreplay @ 2009-09-10T10:47:00

2009-09-10T17:59:21Z

throbbing, thrumming, drumming, stomping, pulsing, pushing.

that is what my brain feels like right now. for the last 24 hours, really. I can barely sit up without crying, I can't sleep without beating the wall and rubbing my temples out of frustration.

So far I have taken 8 Tylenol PM, 2 Aspirin, 1 Excedrin, 1 Gal of water, 2 cups of tea. I can't force myself to eat, even though I probably should. I just don't want to. It does not sound appetizing.

I went over to Kerri Jo's with Ian and we stayed the night not last night, but the night before. Bought some cheap Vodka, blue moon, few budweisers and juice. The night was nice, we all just hung out, played pool, got smashed, went on a walk. Catch this. She lives like a minute and half from where assfacestephanies parents live.. I was tempted to go stalk out their house, just to see. Maybe I will bring her car key (yes I still have the fucking thing) and leave it their mail box. Or maybe I won't. I kind of enjoy knowing she will have to pay $80 for a new key if she can't just ask me for hers. Bitchwad.
Aside the point.

I went to bed, not remembering really how I landed there, Ian aside me (love my gay boy) and konked out. Until I woke up that is. Woke up to the most intense head ache I have ever had (and I used to suffer from migraines, before my glasses). I couldn't move, I couldn't walk, I couldn't breathe without it hurting. To boot I am sick with a cough, every time I cough it is like something explodes in the middle of my brain.

I figured hangover, right. Ian had a massive headache and so did kjo, but... well, theirs went away. Im still in slight agony. I admit the Tylenol (thank you chass!!) has definitely helped but I don't want to be all doped up. My brain just hurts. I can't describe it. I want it to go away.

It was good to hang with my highschool compadres though. We really did have fun even if it was total low key. Kjo and I hung out all day too. It is weird when old friends reconnect.
We can barely remember why we were fighting in the first place.

These habits are so hard to break, and they are so easy to make

2009-08-28T08:19:30Z

I have a bunch to say. I hope I find words tomorrow.

For now, here are the words on my repeat.

Amy Millan - Losing you

Your eyes are like burned-out headlights, a little thunder in the night
I'm losin' you
You're walking around like you live a graveyard, get you the one with the cards
I'm losin' you

I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?

You nod and smile like a lying stranger when I ask if you're doing all right
I'm losin' you
And underneath the hungary silence, fear is eatin' through
I'm losin' you

I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?

I'm not the kind to beat you from behind
I'm not the kind to tell you you've been blind
I'm not the kind to put up a fight

I guess I'll go
And I'll lock the door behind me
What's it for
When you've only got time you gotta leave behind?

Your eyes are like burned-out headlights
A little thunder in the night
I'm losin' you
I always thought you were the one
I guess I still do
But I'm losin' you
I'm losin' you (2x)

You know what I can't help but write when I hear this music. Emily made me these mix tapes and they reminded me very much of my first set of mix tapes I received from a girl, a girl on this livejournal infact (you know who you are), and those tapes are my staples. The original three, the set of seven. The songs have set tone and rhythm to my life, to my beat. They teach me lessons, help me grieve through the most private of moments. Music always does that to me, but I love connecting so deeply with what a person has taken the time to truly express.

Life is stressful, for all the weird reasons. We are in a war with our neighbor; restraining orders, cops being called, fights and verbal attacks. Videos, pictures, sneaking and creeping. A three month fiasco that has completely devoured the neighborhoods lives. I am so tired of wondering and worrying what my unstable neighbors are going to cook up next to harass my family with. Its simply exhausting, especially when the authorities seem so unable or willing to help resolve the situation outside of legal aid.

I am growing less and less impressed with our legal system and the servings of Justice that are supposedly available to the average man. I try not to let my experiences dishearten me from hoping for better, but honestly, why hope so high when it all comes crashing down, hole in the wing.
My glass is half full, some times, believe me.

For a few weeks my dog has been sleeping by my side. I find this reassuring, I find this comforting, I like him knowing that I will be there for him when he wants me to be. I know he's just a dog, and maybe he can't really understand my devotion or love for his loyalty and gentle nature, but its definitely there. The way I want to protect him. I am scared the neighbor will literally poison my dog. I would not put it past him, I really can't describe the harassment that has been occurring. Every single night it is something else, with the exception of the last week since the restraining order was temporarily granted before the court date.
the allegations and blatant lies that he has filed against my father make my blood boil, I taste metal, I taste blood. I want to taste blood.

move on, move on, the records skipping
I wont forget the way you said move on, move on
there's no point in waiting
Move on move on, like the clock is pacing
the break of dawn and our hearts are racing
move on move on, there's nothing changing
move on move on, the records skipping
i wont forget, i wont forget the way you said move on
there's no point in waiting

I should be sleeping. need to be up soon. I probably will soon. lately that silence has been ringing in my ears. the void of another person to fill my empty moments. there is no one to ask to talk to, no one to rely on idle conversation with. friends are friends but the secrets that fall from the lips of lovers are different. they dont weigh as much, and if they do, its for different reasons. i dont miss the selfish games that we play with one another, i dont miss the trying to tip toe around a persons life feelings and ideals, but i do miss learning and challenging my every day with the foundations of another rocking my fragile little world.
how fragile we all really are, when the right person comes knocking on our doors
for everyone else in the world we may be strong as granite, without any other reaction being possible. yet some times we melt like molten eroded our resolve with the crawl of a persistent downpour.
I learn from every failure and for every so called victory. I am not sure I have truly had a victory that is sweet and meant to be kept solely by me, but I am working on it.

did i mention my new lawyer totally hit on me and it was kind of awesome?
i know i didn't. he was my fathers age. a lot of men lately my fathers age have been hitting on me. i think scars attract older women because I have been "through" something.

I need to write about the SCAR CLUB later. It really is a secret club. and guess what you need to be in? yeah that's right. face scars.
ive met three so far. i imagine i will have quite the collection of recollections soon. i need to document.

1) u-turn for christ lady, same mark, different spot, vitamin e. my first encounter with another person like me, same honda steering wheel, same mark. so weird. (five years)
2) book store lady - through the eye/nose, hardly noticed, "survivor" (thirty+ years)
3) gas station attendant - across cheek and forehead, older, "lucky to be alive" (un determined)

I hope I remember to document these women later. They have all helped me in different strange ways. Moments I will not let go of any time soon.

ugh

2009-08-23T02:09:20Z

the pens bleed through my journal paper.

i am sad.

eff.

splurge

2009-08-23T01:09:54Z

I lost my bag of pens awhile ago. Pink bag, about thirty different colored pens. Gel, smooth, bic, colored, plain, erasable... I have a pen fetish. Well I lost the bag somehow. I don't know how that possibly could have happened since it rarely leaves my room to be honest, unless I left it at Andrews, but I don't think I did. Anyway, I have been penless for about two months now and a result of that has been that I have not written in my paper journal in a long time.
I was paid on Friday so I decided I would buy perfume and pens for myself before being broke. (I already sent david 120 dollars that I really didn't have, ugh, I hope that doesn't turn into a repeat performance). I found a set of fine line sharpies, 24 of them (WITH LIMITED EDITION COLORS EEE) for $16.44. I totally bought them. (but they are so much money for just ink... eeek!)

I love pens. They are all lined up next to me, waiting for the urge to doodle. Now imagine if I can find my lost bag, I will have like a million pens!! (I WANT MY BAG ;( )

I am preparing to watch Supernatural. I just finished the Dexter series up to date which I enjoyed a lot more than I originally thought I would. There was something very comforting in his obvious fucked upness. We all have monsters lingering under the surface, I just wonder what it would be like to have very few options to tame it. His commentary was really quite hilarious to me, and the characters are lovable and rememberable.

I saw stephanies little sister at her work place today. The kid that LOVED ME, that asked me questions, put me as her "hero" on myspace for like three years. The kid that me and steph corrupted at her asking behind her parents back, the girl that called me her sister.
Now, now, I only worth being ignored.
Papa murpheys take and bake pizza. my mom called in the order and I stopped with Jeremy and Chass to pick up the pizza on our way home from Wally world. I was fine with the register girl, but then I saw her braid swinging in the back. She kept her back to me the entire time, which means she saw me. Damnit. She saw my scar head. I really didn't want her to see anything so she could report it back to Stephanie (if she would even bother). I really just would rather I never come into contact with any of their family again but it seems inevitable. One of their neighbors kids were over my house the other day. Like kids that I babysat with steph and went to their house to eat dinner all the time. My *old*old life. Not russell, but stephanie.

fuck her.

ugh.
fuckher.
fuckhersistertoo.

I almost died and I am still ignored, well, I hope my mere presence made her uncomfortable, at least as uncomfortable as I felt watching her back, wishing that Jeremy would order his damn pizza faster.

Him and I bicker like we are married.
I could never be with a man like him. Good heart, not so many brains, temper or reason though. He's funny and genuine, he has a lot of good aspects... as a lover though, Chass puts up with a lot.
They are kind of annoying to be around. Actually really annoying, especially when they are fighting. So they fight, storm around and then have to make up in the front of the car with me crammed in the backseat with two car seats and screaming singing kids. (nightmare). Chass was supposed to drive me to Wallyworld. Some how Jeremy finagled his way into our outing and then well, it wasn't the same. I wanted to take Chass to chinese with the kids. He went through the McDonalds drive thru. Oh whatever, I was just hoping me and chass could have as much time as we needed to go through the store but of course I was rushed out because jeremy was in a momentary bad mood. When we got to the pizza place and were waiting for his pizza to be made though he wanted to take FOREVER in big lots and all I wanted was to go home. aha.

Any way.

off to watch supernatural.

more settled

2009-08-10T22:45:06Z

It's hard for me to put into words how I feel right now. David just packed the rest of his stuff into the car and drove off. I had been standing in my room checking the messages on my phone as they shuffled his last minute things into the car. I turned around to see him standing there, the stand of goodbye. I started to immediately cry. We hugged, and we both cried as he said, "You'll see me before you know it". Clutching him, I couldn't even say be careful, or I love you. All staggered and haggard sounding words.
Every one cried as they hugged him goodbye, even david. david the infallible. david the one who does not cry. not for passion of the christ, not for dying cats, or bankruptcy.
he cried it all out as a kid I suppose.
But now he's gone. His room is a shell. The desk I bought him left empty in the corner, his bed stripped, some leftover game systems, trash, bottles, baseball cards, the old dresser he's had for ten or twelve years I gave him.

I know it will be okay.

I just also know our *family will never be the same. There will always be a link missing, floating, wandering around. I will too soon, and I have. I didn't live at home practically at all for two years. The unit can be re-established, but, he's moving out, moving on,
so happy for him.
so sad for me. and our fam.

We actually like each other. A lot of families pretend to like each other, or only like each other on the pretenses of something else, or only can stand each other for this long, or only like them for this reason, or use and abuses them for this or that, but us,
we actually have a good time hanging. we love each other.

well, we will again,
this isn't the end,

it is only his beginning.

But damn it hurts.

my brother, my compadre, my understand-er of lifes fubar-ness

2009-08-10T03:44:51Z

my bubba is leaving tomorrow for college. the thought alone brings tears to my eyes. I don't know what I am going to do without him. 5 hours away. I have no car. No money. I have no way to go see him. All I can do is add him to my phone line so he has to answer when I call.

I mean
we spend plenty of time apart, a lot of time apart, but we always connect. I can just look in his direction and know that he understands what I mean, understands how I feel, doesn't judge me. He is one of my very and closest best friends.
and he's leaving.

to go be a grown up.
to go and grow up.
to go and be something
better than me.

I am so proud of him. So scared for him.
I am going to miss him so much more than he ever realizes.

I have spent the last three days hanging where he is hanging, watching teevee with him, talking, smoking, drinking.

I never appreciated him as much as I should have growing up, and I just..

dont know who I am without a little brother to watch after.

I don't want him to go. Yesterday his girlfriend and I went to check on her dogs, on the way she said, "you know he told me that he isn't ready to go yet, that he loves his life". Right when her words came out, I choked up, tears streaming, hard to breathe, see, sense what was happening. I am not ready yet either. But that's life. And he will be fine, even completely broke. I just wish he wasn't so far away.

I wish I could help him more.

I wish a lot lately,

I wish mostly for strength tomorrow when he leaves. I don't want to bawl the entire time.

I have to stop crying now. We are about to hang out. Going away shindig with only the four of us. Drinks and food and smoke.

Gah. why does love have to hurt.

Lazy days

2009-08-01T19:23:43Z

I have been on a Buffy rampage. When I was a kid it was on before one of my juvenile obsessions, Roswell. Well, I was on the search for something long, that I could become lost in. I love sagas, what can I say. Well, I have three episodes to go and now I am wishing I went slower, as usual. That's alright. The seventh season so far has been one of the best (since the first two seasons, maybe three) (the middle was a bit slower) and I am excited to see how it goes down, even though I have already spoiled it for myself by reading episode guides. I started doing that to clarify what was going on in Angel parallel to buffy but then well, you scroll, and catch words,
and i am a sneaky snoopy girl haha.
not so sneaky when i am doing it to myself though eh.

I have had this song stuck in my head, so while I wait the 11 minutes until I can watch more Megavideo (ha) I decided to listen to it and write a short entry. Not sure what about, yet. Not sure I will by the end, either.

I don't know if you know what I mean, but it's love in los ange-les, We just wanna get our kicks for free, lazy days, if it aint your parents it's the damn police, we just wanna get our kicks for freeee. Everyone clap your hands, stomp your feet, to the dirtyy beeat.

I am not sure what attracts me to these regge-rap-rock-alternative groups that are from California. Shwayze and Dirty Heads are both very great bands from this state, and I have had the opportunity to actually meet Dirty Heads (after I fell in love with them, too) at one of their small shows and they signed my poster. Very chill guys. Even answered my fan email on myspace. I appreciate bands like that, especially when the Dirty Heads are SO DAMN good for just relaxing, uplifting lyrics, dirty lyrics, just rounded. Sublime-esque.

Phew, rant.

Life has been slow lately. I have been surviving. Just trying to make it through the days without too much stress. I do not have the energy to really address the legal aspects of my life but they are on hold, as usual with the court system. I just wish I had someone I could speak to who knows the law and could really advise me. Get this, after my last court date I called to make an appointment with my PD and well, "he is no longer with the company" apparently. Wtf? So now my case is being shuffled to some NEW guy, and fuck that, he doesn't know anything about my situation, he does not know my name, blah. I am upset. But what am I to do? I suppose I could take their offer of 30 days, but that sounds like a lot in jail. Especially when I watch the news and see some rich NBA star who just hit someone driving drunk and KILLED them and he was only sentenced to 35 days for MANSLAUGHTER. I *phew* said I was not going to speak of this, and look at me.
Obviously gnawing at my mind.

I have started reading an old series as of late. 800 days in a few days. That reminds me of my high school days, hidden in the back row with a book under my desk, hand on the paper messily scribbling half listened to notes while trying to keep my page. Walk and read, eat and read, everything used to be & read.
I am enjoying that something is drawing me back in, EVEN if I know the story. I suppose I am compelled to read the entire series again (Wheel of Time, Robert Jordan) because I never FINISHED it. When I was in HS reading them the series was not completed yet, and well that was almost 5 years ago, more like 6-7 since I read the entire series over a couple of years. (Every book is like 800-1000 pages I swear.) I am more determined to fly through them this time so I can remember the politics and such.
Well, we will see. It becomes very slow at points. So many characters. But I still remember most of the things I read, not in vivid detail, but like I was trying to remember a dream or something.

she was buzzin all over me like she fell in love

Spending most of the days at the river and lake, any where with water. Chassity has been working a lot so we don't see much of each other during the day. I miss our girly bonding time. She is only a year older than me, but with a fiance, and two children. I can not imagine having two kids. I know she is jealous of me, being able to do whatever I want when I want without a second thought to someone else. (well you know what I mean) ((oh how I love being free of a relationship and the way that sometimes you are caged in by compromise and "love")). she is very nervous of making Jeremy upset, so that puts a cramp on a lot of things.
She asks me to fib about small things and she divulges feelings to me that I can plainly see in her nature and sympathize with entirely because of her stressful situation (baby daddy somewhere else, like her first love ish)
I just wish I could help more.
Helpless. I always listen.

I listen quite well, I think.
I mean I talk a lot too, but.

Well,
maybe maybe so.

I think my eleven minutes is definitely up.

some say when it rains it pours, hollywood aint no place for lovers any more, and it aint no place for us.

constantxreplay @ 2009-07-22T06:47:00

2009-07-22T13:50:23Z

No way I make it through this day without hurling.
I already did once in the shower.
My tummy hurts so bad.

bleh

2009-07-21T21:00:12Z

I'm alive, I'm surviving but I am not okay. I have court tomorrow. I may be going to jail for up to 45 days, I don't know. My public defender has yet to return one of my four messages. Fail. Neighbors kid broke my six hundred dollar glasses today. Fail. I can't stop crying because of said glasses (but really everything). Fail.

I'm scared about tomorrow. Luckily this time around I haven't stressed myself into oblivion but I am pretty close to just imploding. My heart feels heavy and worn, like I can't breathe. I take in deep giant gulps of air and I still long for more because I am never satisfied. Everything has a catch. There is always a dark side, maybe you don't see it as quickly at first but regardless there is usually always another side to the story.

I've basically been broke. I can't manage to save any money. Whiny, whiny. It isn't that I don't know how, I had an amazing saving ethic to be honest -- then dad lost his job, and it's like ANY extra money AT ALL I might have goes towards the house. I pay comcast, or the water, or garbage (when we had service), insurance, blah blah. Whatever they can't cover. Then I give them any extra I have at the end of the two weeks when there is no food in the house, or when dad wants beer, or when I want something to drink.

It's this perpetual cycle that I know I can not get out of without more income. I can not get income without car. I can not get car without job.

In all honesty I have been waiting to find a job or figure out school or do ANYTHING since the accident because my whole life is in limbo. Waiting for punishment, waiting for them to tell me what I am going to have to go through (other than this hideous scar on my face) to have *my* life back. 45 days in jail doesn't even sound horrendous any more. Please just give it to me.
Slice my throat, rip out my heart, let me go, Whatever.
Just fucking do it already.

My cheeks are sticky, my hands are sweaty, my legs itch, my back aches. I could go on and on with these outside factors that keep perpetuating.

I need to relax. I can't even relax because I have forgotten how. I don't even know how to calm myself down and talk myself out of these moods any more. I usually rely on my vices, but for one, I can't afford them, two, I don't WANT to. I mean I am okay. I am not bawling any more. I am still PISSED about my glasses. Stupid fucking kid touches everything, always into everything, his grimy dirty, sticky, disgusting little hands groping and feeling and prodding everything. He sat on my glasses, bent the SHIT out of the frame and then TOUCHED my computer screen all within FIVE seconds. I turn my back for ONE second.

*end rant*
well that kind of made me feel better.

Sigh.

catch ya on the flipside.

The heat has finally come home

2009-07-01T20:13:39Z

I don't know what I have to say, if anything at all. Sitting here on my bed with my dog hanging out, listening to Ani Difranco. As angry as she comes off some times, she seems to calm me down. Something about the truth of her words ringing not only for her, but for me too. Funny how it is so much easier to find sincere compassion and words befitting the situation when the person giving the advice has actually been in that situation. can relate, can understand with the sympathies of their own heart. It is a real thing to share with someone, that knowledge. compassion and empathy come up close seconds, but in all truth, nothing can substitute for experience.

I haven't had a haven in a long long time. A place to escape, relaxation flying like a flag in the wind. Big soft arm chairs smelling of smoke and leather, the berth of a forgotten fireplace cold and destitute of life. I want to run away to a forgotten hunting cabin. Plop on the couch and simply exist while knowing nothing is out there looking for me. Even with Andrew I didn't feel that; Assface was a haven for awhile, but soon became a chore. both of those relationships were not right, regardless of the hearts musings, my head was wandering a thousand miles a minute. When both can reconcile I suppose I will know I found something uniquely for me.

Responsibilities seem to follow me like anchors chained to my waist, ankles, head, heart. I keep struggling to move forward only to feel the pieces of myself stuck in this muck and I know I can not wholly move forward until I take the fallen pieces and shove them back into semblence of Alicia.

I hardly know what is going on around me; the momentary experiences leave me little time to make a move but instead react. My whole life is: react. This isn't always so bad, but, but, it sure is hard to plan ahead when you can't.

I want to wake up and be me. No scar, no debt, a car, a little tiny life in CA. Instead I know I can't, and the scar isn't going any where, my car is destroyed in some junk yard and my little tiny life has become even tinier if possible.

I am glad to have a female in my life again, Chassity. I needed to be reminded what it is to have a good friend around the area, someone to go do errands with, to share the troubles and woes of our every day. Old friends are fun to catch up with, but they don't know the daily drama or the humor in our inane little situations. She is really awesome, and her fiance is incredibly jealous of me ha ha. I am her Girlfriend. He should just be happy she doesn't interest me like that, ha ha. She does remind me of Stephanie doucheface though. I was going through my dresser yesterday and ran across four or give packets full of pictures from our heyday. I went through them quickly, all our smiles and lost moments. I felt like mailing some of them to her. As if they would say the same thing to her that they did to me.
"See, see we were friends. We were happy. We had good crazy times. We loved each other even more, and I can see that in the photos. I wonder where that died.
1-5?

I shoved them back in the drawer and I know I will not look at them for another couple of years. I am so good at holding on to shit that does not matter, but I can not throw it away. not yet. I some times wonder if we will run into each other, and what would we say? I most likely wouldn't say anything. neither would she. we would pretend not to see one another.

oh the pretending that goes on in life.

I generally usually, really, never have the patience. One of my flaws, or one of the good things about me? Not sure really.

He's just not that into you <-- after watching that movie I decided I was no longer going to speak to russell or want to speak to him. we haven't spoken in two weeks (from several times a day), though we are still on each others social networks which has now become more agitating for me than ever. I imagine I will be deleting him soon, I am just not sure when. I thought for half a second that maybe the *care i had for him would over run his incessant selfish behavior, but it doesn't. nothing ever changes with him. every thing turns back into him, and how he can't do this, can't do that (aka he can't care for anything other than himself and his immediate penis envies). The boy does not know what a lick of responsibility really means. In LIFE or with people. He doesn't pay anything to his mama and thinks that paying the comcast bill is a big deal.
grow up. you're almost 30. pathetic.
I pay more to my parents on unemployment in 1 month than he probably does in six months. Whatever.
I just know I don't want to be with someone who still lives with mommy.
Not in that capacity.

I am excited for what my future holds though. there are endless possibilities, just because everything is so shitty right now financially and with the prospect of going to jail for 45 days does not mean that my life is over. I will figure this shit out. It will not conquer this lady, I am more of a force to be reckoned with than that, that is for sure.

I am fierce and independent and self assured when I need to be, and well, I need to be again. I let it become habit to rely on the men in my life for an aspect of my self worth and what a mistake that was. No one will tell me what I am worth, no one will determine or demean me any longer. I need to remember what it is like to be Iron Heart.
I haven't cried a lick still over Andrew.

I am callousing in places I did not know I had.

Andrew, he put a personals up, did i tell you all? I found it.
He deleted it after I called him on it.
Few days later a comment on one of his bulletins said something of a Date
It was deleted the next day?

Regardless, good for him. I thought of him intensely last night and I wanted to speak to him for the first time since the break up, really badly. I managed to hold back however.
I don't want open doors to some things.
some times they are better left shut
bolted shut

My cousin is coming up today. i will not be attending the bar this time, no falling down the hill for me, please.
my ankle is JUST starting to feel back up to par. so dreadful that I fell twice in a week.

he wants greens and booze. and i have done neither.
i feel awake today.
maybe cause i am green-less.
fine by me.

Time to go eat.

I have never known
The like of this, I've been alone
And I have missed things
And kept out of sight
But other girls were never quite
Like this, mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

Falling, yes I am falling,
And she keeps calling
Me back again
Falling, yes I am falling,
And she keeps calling
Me back again

I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
Where we just met
She's just the girl for me
And I want all the world to see
We've met, mmm-mmm-mmm-da-da-da

Falling, yes I am falling,
And she keeps calling
Me back again

Marked Heart

2009-06-08T03:15:18Z

How quickly it happens. Suddenly, a brilliant flash of light on a inky night. A shimmer of hope flittering and fluttering under the crust of an endless sea. A moment to take as your own epitome, a feeling uniquely manufactured for that still spot in time. A feeling that isn't felt every day; it is individual and special, a prisoner to the whim of circumstance.

To shape our fate is to say that we really have sway in this thing called life. We don't. Life is what happens to you while you're trying to manipulate your own way.
Some times, as those moments are happening, we aren't even aware of it. One moment things are going smoothly, life is running the natural course of things and then bam. It *changes. The dynamic by which we once so naturally seemed to ebb and flow with is thrown off balance. Weights shift, lives drift and turn into rifts. But that one moment, unseeingly significant in the time line of our lives, can change so much, and not for just "so long" but for-ever.

From that moment on, gravity is different. The pull and tug of our head against heart. What of the heart?

Is its logic flawed, is its voice weak, its arguments selfish? Or is it that we have not the patience to learn and to love selflessly. With each emotion comes a distracting line of logic; one that can be rationalized to fit like a suit. But the heart. My heart; its voice is constant. It may not be what we always want to hear, but undeniable all the same.
There is no cure for fractures and breaks; no easy remedies or salves to mend the wounded. Some hearts carry scars, some carry holes, and some carry nothing but darkness. The scarred move on, determined to fight. The holed wait to be filled. And the dark? The dark consumes.
How long shall we carry these talismans of past and a shadowed future? My heart is marked, more than once. Some times I carve my own holes deeper, some times I touch the rough edges of my bumpy scar line, trying to push the skin back into the rupture line. But once rupted, always changed.

Marked.

We carry these marks proudly, or some times we try to forget. But for the deep and dark there is no true forgetting. Holding on isn't the right way either; these leftovers linger, waiting to collide with our present day. Memories assaulting us, lines around familiar eyes seen from far far away, and the smiles, they fade.
Some times I let them cling for life, one more moment of brilliance in my crowded mind, but it's hard to give them what they deserve. Even the brightest star only has that one moment, at the height of its life, where it shone with more light than ever before or after. So I let them go, each one falling away. A new hole to fill, a new scar to tend.
Maybe the truth of it is when someone really deserves your heart, a new one, namely made for them, grows in to replace, to fill, to smooth.

Maybe.

constantxreplay @ 2009-05-14T08:37:00

2009-05-14T15:39:19Z

We broke up. About ten hours ago. I still haven't shed a tear, though I don't feel good and my eyes hurt.. but this is good.

Wheel in the sky keeps turning, don't know where I will be tomorrow

2009-05-04T21:53:01Z

I've never had great amount of patience.. some people are born with it and some people never develop it. Not sure how my life progressed in a way that neglected that important trait. But it did. I struggle to maintain ultimate control over my emotions, to make people think that I don't care what they think, see, believe or that they have no effect on my heart. The reality is that as much as I shove that tone off, I am really just scared.
All the time.
Of who I am, who I want to be, who I was, what I've lost, what I've gained.
Sitting here with a belly ache I feel like giving up. But the truth of it is that I already have.. I've already given up on myself. Right now, these last months, I have not been living, just waking up and breathing.
I always thought when I was young that by now I would be some where very different, I would be some one different. I was supposed to be better than this, I was supposed to have more potential, I was supposed to believe in myself more. But some where I just stopped. Life happened and all of the sudden its been almost five years since high school. Seriously, wtf?
Where has my life gone, my time, my friends?
Mostly I can answer these questions to myself quite easily, I suppose it is all in the asking of the right questions.
Rarely any one cares enough to really listen to your answer, but still, they pretend.
With all the pretending that is done in this world it is insane..
people can't just grow a sack and be honest.

I know my life is not over or has it truly started. I know that I will find my path, I know that things will become easier.. it is just a matter of knowing all this and not knowing how. I need to move forward, propell, commit, commit.

Commit.

I don't want to commit because what if it doesn't work.

What if they leave you behind in pieces

Its a helpless hopeless thing

2009-04-27T16:53:10Z

When you let people back in your life against better judgment. You've carefully constructed boundaries, limitations and precautions regarding those people in our life who know no better than what they themselves want. These people never take into consideration their actions or how they may effect any one else. These people live life believing they must take no responsibility, must harbor no forethought for how their actions make people feel because they of course are not the one *making you feel that way, you *yourself make you feel that way.
Never taking responsibility or accountability for emotions, because they themselves do not feel *so much, do not let their hearts in the way of their heads.
That's a shame for us feelers.
Us feelers can't help ourselves. We double consider, triple-think and almost always will be okay with taking at least half the accountability if not all. We feelers see things in a different way, unbound from the mind we dictate the fickle foolishness of the heart. Even more, we know that the heart is not a reliable vessel. But still we want to trust it, want others to take care of it. It is Easily broken and mangled; stepped on and shattered. Ironically it is even easily put back together with the right motivation.
To say that one is a feeler does not mean they are not a thinker, I believe they are more of a thinker than most thinkers give them credit for; they do not speak the language so to speak. The analytical colored glasses only allow for so much mystery and desire, the feeling colored glasses only allow for so much moving forward. That is the thing about feeling;

it is easy to stay trapped in a feeling some times.
harder to escape using sense when most love is non-sense. We have few things in our lives to hold onto, to genuinely believe in and in turn feel believed by. Rarely we come across people who see beyond their selfish gilded cage they have so meticulously crafted, to see us.
To believe in us. To share a moment that lives into other moments; when you believe something to be truly and completely, when you know you can count on it no matter what the life-stance.

Often once the thinkers have thunk their plight through they forget about us feelers,
and we are left with the "overs" (leftovers) to sort through, digest and throw out.

Man.
I should have ignored the messages.

did the tree of life save my life?

2009-04-24T01:14:15Z

My jewelry becomes important to me. An extension, representation of things that have past and things to come. I pick them with care and when I love them, really love them, they rarely leave my person. I remember the ones I have lost that were dear to my heart, and why. How I felt when I looked down at something so small and significant to my insignificant life.
I bought a necklace for myself last birthday, oh.. i guess, two birthdays ago now.. It is the tree of life; a huge symbol of my whole personality as I see it. This token has become important to me; representing the shape of things and the way lifes tides ebb and flow freely. Silly, maybe? But regardless, mine all the same.
This necklace was with me the night of the accident. My personal belongings, smattered in blood, glass and hair were mostly broken. A black bracelet cut off in the heat of the moment, a ring dented beyond repair, but my necklace was intact. Some one took the time to unclasp it from my neck and place it in a bag; this is strange to me. I was told the helicopter medivacs took my jewelry off, so why would they take the time to unclasp instead of tugging it off my neck? I was bleeding profusely from the head with an uncertain amount of blood lost by the time they arrived, yet, here is the necklace.
The stone that was the moon beyond the branches of the tree fell out; in both places. But the rest, intact.
I wear it with me now and I feel calmer some how, at ease having it close. It went through something incredibly horrific with me and it made it out alive, damaged, scarred, like me.
I am not sure why it touches me now to look at it hanging from my neck, why it is important to me to know where it is if it is not on, and well, it is almost always on. Maybe it is my good luck charm, a talisman of my life and strength.
Because in light of everything, I must be strong to have survived. I love the fact that I was tearing the tube from my throat when I woke up; I have the will to survive.

Part of me wonders what happened that night to make me like that; so wreckless, suicidal almost. I can not remember, so I speculate all the light and dark corners of this experience and I still can not pin point anything clear. Reading the police reports clarified the last few minutes before the accident, to an extent, but mostly it just hurt my heart.

I have the phone number and name of the boy, not man, who pulled me from my car after the wreck. He was driving with his mum, and they stopped to see what happened to me, as I almost hit them, and he pulled me from my upside down car, and I must have sat on the bank for twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes. The report describes it as: Hysterical

This bothers me. I was dying, not hysterical. I had a head wound over six inches long, and I was bleeding from my forehead, into my eyes, distorting my vision, staining my clothes.

Regardless,

Things are starting to roll regarding the consequences,
I am anxious to see judgement.

At least then I can rest, my heart can stop beating so quickly, my dreams can stop perpetuating my worst fears, my self can feel more in control of my reality.

Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.

2009-04-06T07:29:45Z

I found that quote in high school when I was trying to explain something in English. What I was explaining has escaped me, but regardless, I have never forgotten it. I always identified with it, have always appreciated it for its simple, clear cut message.

It's blunt.
I'm blunt(ed).

You do, or do not. It's true, in all of the ways that I do not want it to be true. It's inevitable and unforgiving. Right now I feel like I need forgiveness. From life. Not only to give and to feel for others, but in some ways I want to feel truly forgiven. Free, maybe. Light, weightless, flying, falling.

some may call this religion,
I just want pieces of peace. Just pieces.

however...This falling feeling never seems to escape me. My emotions inject themselves into my veins, dumping their endorphins into my system without mercy. This month is going to be rough.
I have yet to live through it, and I wonder how I am going to make it through without the tears, without the shame.
Some times my heart feels like it is about to overload, a grip vice takes hold and I can hardly walk without clutching my chest and taking deep breaths. Literally. Coming apart.

It does not take long before I regain a hold, or the moment that I fear to pass does indeed pass. But the moments leading up to it catch me in their fury, I'm netted into their complications and I feel like I am gulping down hard, salty, stale water.

Is this anxiety?
It is fear, panic, absolute wild eyed reflection. I have had so much come tumbling down on me in the last months and while it does not scare me, I scare me.
Where am I going in this life I call "mine"? (is it mine, or is it now theirs, signed and sealed with my apathy)
Is it really mine when I feel like some shadow that knows it will have to recede and take flight with the night?? The light of day seems inane and insane; tumbling back and forth between the polarities as if it were a shuffle board.

Not quite what I could be, not quite what I need to be to feel fulfilled and whole. Missing pieces, pieces that I am not sure I can find, pieces that I think need to find me.

Most people participate in the obligatory roles that people have, they require the need to practice with the populous these games and dances that I have never had the grace or patience to deal with. Hence the dissolution of supposed best friends, or even half friends, or even my half healed and stunted dreams.
I would rather be dealt out, and
apparently,
dealt out I am.

My deck has some cards missing, always has I suppose. I've added on a few random additions, their edges worn and dirtied by the quick flit of fingers, curled and torn from the consistent shuffling and some days that is enough.
Lately it is not.
I am tired of shuffling from place to place, people to people,

to belong, sounds like it only exists in a song. I hear the echo of a hundred voices, a hundred books, my own thoughts mimicking the likeness of the tone dead advice I keep repeating.

It's easier to tune out the toneless, the half bred wishes that never make it to their communion.

I took the time to write this down as I heard it in a movie as it.. provided a window. Some times even if you are looking in from the outside you can taste the warm air, the fragrances of something beyond normalcy. Beyond our past, present and possible future.

"There is not an ounce of excitement, a whisper of a thrill, the relationship has all the passion of a pair of tit mice. I want you to get swept away, I want you to levitate, sing with rapture, and dance like a dervish.
I want you to be happy. Deliriously happy, or at least open to be. I know it is a cornball thing
But love is passion, obsession, some one you can not live without. I say fall head over heals and fall in love with someone who can love you like crazy, and you can love them back. how do you love someone? you forget your head and listen to your heart. there is no sense in making the journey and not falling deeply in love. you haven't lived a life at all. you have to try, because if you haven't tried you haven't lived. " - Meet Joe Black

Wonderful flick,

LOST time.

ps; my scar is healing.
today I took pictures and could almost not see it with the sunlight.

Homework, 1

2009-03-16T08:32:44Z

Nothing is as I want it to be. I dare say nothing will be as I want it to be until I stop wanting for it to morph into something comfortable, and just accept what is around me as me. I guess as a person, I am unfulfilled. I feel empty. I have so much room to be filled, so much to give and room to receive, yet,
yet,
So many aspects that I feel I am lacking in. I need to figure out my life, where I am going, how I fit in, with who I want to fit in with.
My emotions and feelings rapidly progress beyond myself. My heart races a million miles a minute, and some times I forget to take a pit break, check my oil, readdress the situation.
I want things that do not exist any more, I feel things that have already died and are simply haunting me. When the heart still feels so haunted, so cold, desolate and unbidden by reality. Its all this facade, and every thing seems to not fall but cascade upon my head. The truth is most things are simple to deal with and I am redirecting the problems.. but some times I feel like this personal meaning that people have some times is beyond my reach. when will I eventually be able to step out and just be me, the simplest of terms. No attachments, no scar, no past, no hurt, no lingering, no feeling, no emotion, no a thousand things.
My memories are horrible little wretches, that bombard me in the most unconvenient of ways, the most unconventional of methods.
Black spots dance in front of my eyes and I know that my heart seeks a way to shut off this valve. I speak of being empty but what if my real problem is that I am on over drive, all the time. what if my problem is that I love the undeserving, the broken, the ones that I can not fix. What if I see something so inexplicably reminiscent of myself in others that I can not look away.
We are supposed to care for ourselves, but what if we care more for those that remind us of our broken, hopeful, light parts?
What of imprints, holes, ditches and valleys that mark a person? When you meet them you can not tell right away, can not possibly know the terrain of their self, but something in them compels you to keep looking, blindly wandering, feeling, seducing.

We seduce ourselves into thinking a million beautiful things to cover up the truth of it all, and some times we create ten thousand lies to hide what we could hope for. Where are those complete, full, happy people? do they all live on an island of enlightenment that you can only reach by charter boat, plane? Or wait, they don't really exist.

And some times you just think too much Alicia. Some times your thoughts just whelm you.
You want so much for some one to take care of you, a man in white, a man in black, a man on a horse, a man with no shoes on his feet; a person, who sees themselves in me.
Some one who is ready for the challenge, the burdens, the love, the joy, the cascading emotion I spoke of earlier.

I have always dated single children.
I have always dated people who are doted on, and do not want it.
I have dated three unqiquely similar people,

and I guess I realize I have a type. But what attracts me so, what makes me think that is my type?

what if my type is something completely else?

worse, what if I don't have a type,

just a wish for heartache.